The Kiss

Off work at 7:30 and it was time to watch to moon rise. Someplace on Capitol Hill has got to be nice for watching it rise. Well I wandered and wandered and found other things but not my epic spot. The water tower in Voluteer Park was quite nice but I got the boot, closing time. Ended up in a parking lot over looking a park. The moon was worth it. She's always worth it. So i watered myself and ate a clif bar. Bonus! found some gummi bears in my tool pocket.
Time to drink that beer I bought. Peace Park. Sweet lovely moon. Time, this time, was on my side. Went through my phone pics. Tired of the wallpaper I had. Settled for a pic of Klimt's "The Kiss."
Sitting in the bar with T2 on the tv. In walked a certain female who had once lent me space on her bed and fed me eggs in the midday. I had read the first four chapters of Cannery Row while the eggs were made. Steinbeck is good. I got myself out of there and bought a few titles by him, namely East of Eden. HO! What book am I holding in my bag as she walks in the bar. Yes good reader, Steinbeck's masterpeice. Call it what you will. The feeling of something larger crept into my head.
Nice story eh? Well I sure as hell didn't say anything right off the bat. Wouldn't be prudent. Lots of eye stuff. Mind bullets, Kage. Finally the moment is at hand. Buying her fifth gin and tonic, with the wise but uniteresting, choice of tanqueray. Well I thanked her for those eggs. Understanding smashed through the get the fuck away look on her face. All that small talk. Coinceidences and authors. Time to leave. Walking down the street with her at my elbow. Maybe more like my elbow at her.
This just isn't going to work out.
Some other dude gets the nod. Guess I saw him at the bar. The guy she was sitting with. Some classic name. Johnny Hotshit. I say everything is cool. Fonz. Looking up with a look that made me think that she was thinking my poor heart was shattering on account of her. Not quite. I'll live. Swiftly but lasting those sweet red lips moist but not wet.

Time

Just when I was thinking that I had all kinds of free time I found out that I have many more things that I want to do in that time. Reading, painting, biking, skating, guitaring and much more do not fit into my two little days off. There is also the habit of procrastination that I often find myself falling into. I will think about doing something all day but when I get the chance I will just dally for a while and then wonder where the time went. I feel when I was younger there was just more time. It could be that I need to focus. Just do one of the many things on the list. I doubt this would ever work though, I am far too much of a scatterbrain for that. At least I am capable of multitasking the shit out of things. Just working slowly and steadily towards the end. Maybe I am just in the middle of a bunch of things right now and if I keep at it I will reach a conclusion to it all.
The end

A Story

One time a man traveled many miles to see a girl. He knew this was a journey many men had embarked upon but his was different. Somehow, he was going to defy all of the sad dramatic twists and succeed.
He had no idea what success was going to be or entail. His journey could not have been down a sweeter path, yet he came back feeling defeated.
“How could this happen?” he thought. “I have traveled to the land of my fair damsel without expectations. Surely this was enough.”
He wondered, had he really left to fulfill expectations after all? Those crafty little feelings, he could not control.
This vixen. Did she have no feelings? Surely his confidence, wit and dashing good looks were enough to carry him far beyond a successful voyage.
This man, he played it cool. Such witty humor was never heard before. How he coifed his locks. He had entered the inner quarters of his fair damsel and he had not the courage to state his feelings. Bold as he was, he faultered. Her perfect body language was impossible to understand. She voiced her interest in such ambiguous ways. The young man could only marvel at her coy remarks in regard to his weakly bolstered being.
LIke a man in love, this boy was humbled. Nothing left to do but react. Go with the punches. This did not lead to success.
Reeling, stunned, his hobbled journey home had him going over again and again where it could have possibly went wrong.
Could it be it went right all along?

Sometimes it can be oh so good.

Just when you think there isn't anything out there for you, something comes up. Man how I can get so bored and cynical sometimes.
Oh gosh, Minnesota is rad. The slippery roads. Bundling up everytime you gotta get out. It is just plain funny to think that people live here year round. I was thinking about how cold it is outside compaired to how warm it is inside. Seemed like a brash "fuck you!!!" to the enviroment. Something like "haha, we can survive in this unwelcoming envirionment!" but then everyone is stuck inside all the time. Who has really won? And yes it does always have to be a competition.
My plane ride over was sucky. My constant daydreaming helped. Images of a fiery twisted wreck falling, burning through the sky. Oh such glorious fantasies. The plane is empty except for me. Plunging gladly towards my fate. Lughing manically, imagining the tomented screams of others, swift air rushing through the flailing pieces of plane. The serenity of the moon lokking down and the cold stare of the stars whirling above emotionless. Now that would be some way to go.

For the lack of something

I've been thinking about life and all. You know, just what it all means, what to do with the old life dealy, that sort of thing. Pretty much stuck on how selfish I seem to be. Is everyone just selfish? Where is the line between selfishness and personal success? What is success? Family, money, friends, giving something back to the whole? I guess. How to be revolutionary when it has all been done already. Some futuristic world we live in.

Rant

Man, how the things go. It just gets so, um, a word that comes to mind is depressing. It can't really be all that depressing. Really, think about it. You're alive. Maintaining a job. Bills are paid. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the world. How on this little green earth can you be depressed?
In the midst of wealth I am poor. I guess I can't complain but the urge just makes me. I live in a big city. More or less happy about it. Just things don't seem to be going the way I want them to. If there was any inkling of a thought about what I really want to do... well then... I might be somewhere, writing happier words.
I am happy. It becomes difficult to tell what I feel. Does it matter what I feel? I can't see how it does but things the way they are make me think that I need to care about what I feel. I wonder how many times I have use the letter "I"? A lot. Rants, being what they are, need to be had. This is one of those. Enjoy.

Friends

So I have friends. I guess a lot of people can relate to that. Good for you. I have always wondered what the exact role of a friend is. They are there for you, right? You are there for them. In the end it is just one big happy, huggy, fucking friendly affair. It doesn't work like that. In the end it is just a parasitic relationship. Everyone needs something from something else. Friendship is just a civil way of saying you have the something of need. I will build this facade of friendship to hide my true life sucking need for you. I cannot live with out your affection, your support. I need you.
The worst part about it is that this is the truth. So then, we have these friendships. In my experience, which hasn't been the best, I have either taken or given more than I should have. So this leaves me feeling bad about them in general. Learning from my mistakes I try and balance this out. Living in a brand new town I have tried to gain new friendship with an eye towards my mistakes and how to avoid these again. My conclusion is this: I am an unfriendly person that people just don't want to hang out with. Now to support my claims.
I am not a depressive person. I am not trying for pity or any other emotion. I just want to establish my stance on friendship. So here goes. The phone. This is an instrument used to communicate between anyone, not just friends. Well I that is just the case for me. I communicate with everyone else besides friends. I like to think of them as friends so I call them. I don't see the point in sitting around wanking about a lack of calls from friends. So I call a lot. It is interesting how I hardly get through. I leave messages but to no avail. So sad. So then I am pacing, waiting responses from my friends. We both need each other. What would life be like with out friends? Right? Bull. Friends are just there when they want to be. When it is convenient for them. So I guess I have bad friends. Nope. That can't be right. Can't put the blame on them. So it must be me. I am unfriendly.
Since my friends don't want to hang out with me, I must not be very friendly. I have burned some bridges eh? Well I thought that friends told each other these things. Like, "Hey friend, you burned that bridge. I don't think that was very cool." This would be easy to deal with. "Oh shit. THAT bridge? Well I know now about the importance of THAT bridge. I will not bring matches around that bridge anymore." Communication. Something which I don't see very much.
In the end I guess it has got to be something in me. My personality. I see beautiful "friendships" all the time. I must conclude that I myself have failed at making friends.